I lost 50 pounds in 90 days, and so can you! - my experience with the fad diet.

Except that I didn't, and it took for-fucking-ever, and I'm still not done...

Okay so, I haven't posted in a while, there's been a whole lot of stuff going on in my personal life, and I haven't really had the time or want to write in a bit.  But!  Today is your lucky day, I am literally sitting like a waste of life on my couch, in my undies, watching Friends, eating chocolate cake and thinking about life.  I feel very Carrie Bradshaw, or like a figment in the imagination of a male screen writer: "what do single 31 year old women do with their day off.. I know, she's eating cake.. naked.. no no, not naked.. give her a t shirt.. and those little shorts..yeah.. no bra though, that's good.. what's she watching.. SOAP OPERAS! No, no.. she's not fifty.. FRIENDS! Yes, that'll work..."  I guess at least I'm not painting my nails, or having a pillow fight with my hot friends, so there's that..

Anyways, as I eat my giant piece of cake (it's amazing by the way), I was thinking about how this morning I was feeling extra skinny and put on my tightest, only on skinny days, vintage Levi's and they looked awesome, and I still decided to eat cake for lunch, because I'm an adult, and I do what I want, and also, as previously discussed: I eat like a teenage boy who's parents are out of town on the weekend.  This got me thinking about why I can do this, why can I eat like actual garbage on the weekends and still fit into my skinny jeans, when in the past one bad day would make me put on a few pounds of water weight?  I've talked a bit about my 80/20 rule and why I feel that consistency is key, but I thought I'd dig in a little deeper and talk about fad diets, and why in my opinion they're the bandaid on a bullethole that is never going to give you the results you're dreaming of.

I'm an instant gratification person, I want it all and I want it all right now.  When I was a younger more catholic me, and I used to say my prayers before going to bed, after praying for world peace and my friends and family being happy, I would pray that whatever boy I liked would like me back, and that I would be skinny.  As if god were going to shine his light down and be like "oh shit, you're fat!  I totally didn't see that before, my bad!  Hang on a sec, I got this.. BOOM.. skinny!" and I'd wake up and be all cute and skinny and all of my clothes would be miraculously the right size, and no one would ever even know that I had been fat before, but me and god would know, and I'd look up, and he'd look down, and we'd smile together.  As I got older, this need to be instantly thin drew my attention to the crash diet, the "I have x amount of days before this event, so I'm cutting out this food group or drinking this shake for breakfast and that is what will work for me."  The result is usually the same: lose a few pounds, be really cranky because I'm drinking or eating some disgusting chalky replica of food, and then when I give up because it's gross, all of the weight I lost comes back in what seems like an instant.  Who wants to live in a world where they can literally never eat a bagel again?  No one, that's who.

My earliest memories of dieting are of my mother.  In the 80s and 90s it was all about weightloss programs: Jenny Craig, Lucille Roberts, Weight Watchers, etc.  With all of them comes some kind of gimmick, a half of a grapefruit for breakfast, or bran muffins, and who can forget the famous Slimfast "a shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, and a sensible dinner"?  There was a frozen yogurt for lunch phase.. with seeds.. someone told my mother that basically eating soft serve ice cream was an acceptable lunch option if you topped it with sunflower seeds, and she totally bought in..  Special K even tried to convince her that she could survive until dinner time on just two bowls of cardboard bits and a cup of skim milk!  The last one I remember trying with her was Nutrisystem, and we kid ourselves into thinking that this disgusting, shelf stable, airplane food was decent for about a month.  I'm pretty sure there's still a box of it somewhere in my parents basement, if there's ever an apocalypse, come on over, I've got a squeeze pack of chicken fajitas with your name on it.

Scary to think that this is from the 70s.. in 40 years do you think we'll look at low carb diets the same way?

Here's the thing, it's nice to want things right away, but just like how in 8th grade your mom told you that you'd appreciate that Kate Spade purse so much more if you saved the money for it yourself (it cost a Christmas and a birthday, for the record..), you treat things better when you actually have to work for them, your body included.  So, I treat my body like I treat my Prada backpack: I may be prone to throwing it on the floor or mistreating it for a few hours when I'm drunk, but for the most part, I really love it and treat it like the beautiful princess it truly is.  When you eat well, and exercise consistently, your weight loss may be more slow, but it sticks, it's not just water weight, one piece of cake.. and maybe a burrito.. with guacamole, isn't going to ruin or stall your progress.  You may have the dreaded, food baby belly that comes along with a big meal, but I mean, that's really just poop..  Regular activity boosts your metabolism and that has the ability to make a cheeseburger a cellulite free experience.  

There is no healthy, sustainable way to lose a substantial amount of weight quickly, so the next time you get roped into some gross shake or bar, or cleanse or whatever, just ask yourself if you really picture yourself drinking pea protein with chocolate flavoring and eurythritol happily for the foreseeable future.  If the answer is no, then it's time to move on to something that may be a little less immediate, but a lot more doable.  Get ready to do work, you may not be in a bikini by August, but let me tell you, as someone who took two years to get into said bikini, it is totally worth that effort in the end.  And after a lifetime of trying and failing thirty days at a time, it feels super good to catch your own reflection and give yourself a "damn, Gina!".

The diet and food industry is going to try to sell you something at every turn, and it's important to know that there is no quick fix, and no amount of before and after success stories should sway you on what you, in your heart of hearts already know: the only way to have a sustained weight loss is through consistent healthy eating and exercise.  

Also, (spoiler alert), those detox and "skinny" teas everyone is instagramming about just make you shit your brains out and fill your stomach with farts.. You're welcome.