Let's Talk About: Being "Too Fat"! An Ode To My Bicycle On Its 1st Birthday

Trying something new can be really difficult.  Our minds get in the way so much that simply thinking about it can stress you out to the point that you end up putting it off for way longer than you should have, or just never doing it.  How many times do you stress and over think something, and then when you actually do it, you have this feeling of "what the hell took me so long?".  

I'm a pretty straight forward person, and I tend to not stress the inevitable, such as having to give a presentation at work, or going to the dentist, these are things that might make me nervous, but I know there is nothing I can do to avoid them, so I put on my big girl pants and I deal with it.  When it comes to things that I'm in control of, however, like signing up for a new class, or talking to a guy I think is cute, or joining the local food co-op (something I just recently tackled), I tend to build it up so much in my head that I make more of a thing out of it then it needs to be: there are probably going to be other beginners in the class with you, maybe the cute guy was too nervous to talk to you (maybe he wasn't, oh fucking well, you made a new "friend"), everyone at the co-op is super nice and welcoming and not at all "who is this basic fashion bitch shopping the bulk bins??" (that was an actual fear of mine, I was legit scared that everyone there would view me as a some sort of wellness tourist).

I always felt that way about biking.  Of course, when I moved to Williamsburg in 2008 I bought a vintage Raleigh and started day dreaming about riding up Bedford Ave on my vintage cruiser, skirt blowing in the wind, baguette in the basket, meeting my bearded tattooed manfriend for a picnic in the park, no doubt.  But that never happened because I never rode it!  The damn thing was an adorable decoration.  It moved from apartment to apartment, from Williamsburg to the Lower East Side, to Long Island, to Bushwick, and save for a few short rides or my roommate occasionally borrowing it (and once calling me pretending it was stolen as an April Fools joke, thanks Will!), it was never touched.

One thing I've noticed about losing weight, is that I've become more okay with actually admitting the way "Fat Lauren" thought.  And the way Fat Lauren thought, was that I was too fat for everything, I would lie, and say I didn't do x,y,z, because I didn't want to, or I was afraid, or I wasn't interested, it sounds lame, etc., anything to cover up for my insecurity.  But the truth is, in my mind, I was too fat to go to be seen in a bathing suit, I was too fat to go to yoga, I was too fat to talk to the cute boy, I couldn't go to that party because I'd be the fattest girl in the room, I was too fat to wear high heels (because then I'd look tall and fat, and then I'd just be the "big" fat girl!), and I was too fat to ride a bike!  Self loathing is a bitch, and it keeps you from being yourself, and having fun, and trying new things you might really enjoy, but, the silver lining is that it's all in your head!  If Fat Lauren got on that bike, I seriously doubt anyone I rode by would have been all "hey look at that fat girl on a bike!" but that's exactly what I thought would happen.

My first foray into exercise on my weight loss journey was walking.  I got a FitBit Zip step tracker, and I would walk everywhere.  It became addictive, beating my steps from the day before, my friend Evanne and I started meeting at the LES side of the Williamsburg bridge after work and walking home together, pretty soon I was walking the bridge to and from work almost every day, I ended up losing about 15 pounds over the course of a few months.  I started mixing in Tabata workouts from Sophie Gray and toning up.  This gave me the confidence I needed to try CitiBike.  I would ride a CitiBike from my office on 37th and 7th down to the bridge, and then walk the bridge home every night.  I did this until it got too cold, and then started back up in the Spring.

A few days before my 30th birthday I bought myself a present: beautiful and impractical Prada heels that cost $700.  I took them home and walked around my apartment in them, they were so pretty, I remember telling my mom that they were perfect, that I'd keep them under my desk and any time I had to go to a meeting, toss them on and immediately look and feel like a boss bitch.  And then I saw an Instagram of the Linus Mixte 3, and it was love.  I had seen it before: locked to a fence on Metropolitan Ave, coming out of a fancy apartment on Meserole St. with it's owner, I always thought it was a beautiful bike but this was the first time I saw it and felt that it should be mine.  So, I did what any newly rational, completely adult thirty year old woman would do: I said goodbye to my boss bitch shoes, and decided to invest in my ass instead.

Our first day together!

On the 21st it will be exactly a year since I bought my bike, and although I'm still partially in debt because of it, it's the best investment I could have made, and the best gift I could have given myself.  In the past year my bike and I have logged over TWO THOUSAND MILES and that's just counting my commute to work.  When I think about that, it's insane to me, I never would have thought I'd be able to do that.  The first morning I rode to work I had this feeling of "what the hell was I thinking?!"  I still had a bit of an inferiority complex: here I was with my dorky helmet, in my work clothes, huffing and puffing on the incline of the bridge, stopping at all the red lights, while the cool girls on their banged up fixies with their cut off shorts sped past me, but the more I did it, the better I got, and pretty soon I was passing people on the bridge, and although I still wear my dorky helmet, and stop at all the red lights, I feel really good about myself and what I'm doing and that's all that matters.  

Not only has riding my bike given me a cheaper and healthier way of getting to and from work, it's changed my outlook on fitness completely.  After riding consistently for a couple of months, I didn't like the excess energy I had on rainy days that I couldn't ride, so I joined the gym and found out that all of my biking, and walking before that, had left me in good enough shape that I could (for the first time in over ten years) run for over a mile without feeling like I was going to die.  This made me so happy that I started going to the gym a few days a week, just to see if I could do more.  The consistent exercise has also turned my once shitty "I stare at a donut and my double chin gets bigger" metabolism into a power house, to the point that one of the girls at my local pizza place asked me where I was "putting it all".  Last summer was the first time since I was a teenager that I wore a string bikini, or felt comfortable in anything short or form fitting, my clavicles, abs, and hipbones have also decided to make a long overdo appearance.  People may think that my style and my personality has changed, but that isn't true, this is just the person I never had the confidence to be finally coming out.  So if you think that my crazy nails, and my short skirts, and my love of crop tops are all a "new phase", just know that this is the girl that Fat Lauren always wanted to be, and if I'm not as self deprecating, or shy and quiet as I used to be, or don't worry as much about what other people might think of me, it's not that I've "changed", it's that I finally stopped feeling like I was "too fat" to be myself.

My reason in sharing all of this with you is that I hope that you know that there is no such thing as being "too fat" or too anything for that matter.  If you want to do something, try it, challenge yourself, it's not always easy to muster up the courage to do something new, but I promise you that it will be worth the risk, you might end up saying "well, now I know that's not for me," or it could end up completely changing your life.

This year went by so quickly, and my bike and I have both done quite a bit: Linus got a new basket and a headlamp (and a few scrapes from a taxi door), and I got a full time job and a boost of self confidence (and am constantly covered in bruises), and I can't wait for what this year has in store for us (I predict making the 12 mile trip to Fort Tilden a regular weekend adventure)!  So, the next time you see a fat girl on a bike, I hope you smile and think of me!

Let's Talk About: Me! (who the hell am I and why am I here?)

First off, who am I?

I’m assuming that anyone reading this knows me, or is, at the very least, a friend of a friend.  Let’s face it, I am not an internet celebrity, so you most likely found this through my Facebook.

But, just in case you don’t know me, I’m Lauren.  I’m a clothing designer (I say clothing because I hate the word “fashion,” I don’t know why), and currently, I work in women’s lingerie.  I live in Brooklyn, and I like to think I’m a fairly normal 30 year old.

I’ve always loved food, and ever since I started baking in college, I always assumed that at some point I would write a cookbook, or own a bakery, or something of that nature.  If you told me a few years ago that at thirty I would be studying holistic nutrition and starting a healthy living blog, I would have taken a huge bite out of my crunchwrap supreme and we’d all have a good laugh.

I’m Italian.  Ask any Italian kid what food means in their house and they’ll all tell you the same thing: “love”.  Going to Grandma’s for dinner on Sunday means sitting at a table filled with food.  Everyone’s favorite dish is there, because you should never have to compromise at Grandma’s house.  You are never left hungry, in fact, chances are, you have never felt hungry in your life.

Italian grandparents: what you don't know is that all of that dessert was probably for five people.

 Unfortunately for me, never knowing hunger also meant a lifetime of struggling with my weight.  My earliest memory of being ashamed of what I weighed was at my yearly check up when I was twelve (my parents were on vacation, so my grandmother took me).  When the doctor told us that, at 112 pounds, I was overweight, my grandma just looked at me with disappointment and said “let’s not tell your grandfather about this.”  I started that school year with the realization that I was the fat girl.  Up until that point, I don’t think I had ever really given my own appearance much thought.  By age fourteen I had grown to 180 pounds, so apparently, shame was not the answer.  I’ll save you the high school and college years, but let’s just say it’s a whirlwind of disordered eating, over exercising, weight loss and gain, and ending a few years ago at a check up where I learned that not only did I weigh 215 pounds, but that my blood pressure and cholesterol were high for my age, and I was at risk of developing type II diabetes and polycystic ovaries.

It took me about two years to lose 60 pounds (and gain some, and lose some, and plateau for what seems like months on end.), and I still have a little way to go, but I feel like the finish line is near.  I don’t know if it’s ever possible to be completely happy with your body and I think that’s always super important to keep in mind, but it is absolutely possible to feel more comfortable in your own skin, and if that is the goal then I am happy to say that I have reached that.  Of course, like any human who ever existed, if you stand me naked in front of a mirror I’m sure I’ll come up with a list of things that need “some work,” but let me tell you I happen to think I look damn good in a pair of high waist jeans, and I can run for longer than I ever have before, and for that, I’m pretty proud.

Okay, so, why am I here?

Recently I’ve been getting quite a few messages and comments telling me I look great (thank you), and asking me “how did you do that?”  People want to know your secret, and unfortunately, there isn’t any one solution: my body is my body and it responds well to my diet and exercise plan, your body is your body, and it might not respond the same way.  That being said, I feel like I can at least let you in on some of my experiences and hope that they point you in the right direction.

Part of that experience has led me to studying holistic nutrition in hopes of becoming a health coach.  I know that when people see the word holistic they all of a sudden have visions of crunchy hippies swaying to a jam band, but don’t worry, at no point will I urge you to put a crystal on your forehead and “set your intention” (although, I absolutely will urge you to give up your gross aluminum filled antiperspirant, and chemical laden foods and cosmetics.. more on that another time..).  Holistic nutrition, to me, just means eating a balanced diet of whole fresh foods.   I decided to get certified because I felt that a lot of people would appreciate learning from someone who has actually been in their shoes.  Having tried every diet in the book, and we’ll get into those in other posts, nothing has worked for me the way making my own food and paying much closer attention to what I am putting into my body has.  That being said, weight loss is not the only thing I will be writing about, I’ll also be sharing my go to recipes, exercise tips, and generally anything I love in the interest of healthy and mindful living!

Okay, that's all I've got for now.  Anyways, enjoy, and please leave me lots of comments and let me know how I’m doing and ask me all sort of questions and tell me all of the things you would like me to post about!

xx

Lauren